The #1 Rule of Swim Lessons

I have a sneaking suspicion that one of my swim lesson kids is not using the toilet when he needs to. He is a very nice kid, and doing really well so far, and his parents are not at all (except for this story) crazy. I like them a lot. But at some point during almost every private lesson I've taught for this kid this summer, he says, "Miss Leah, I need to go pee." As I usually do with kids who say that, I try to distract him and say, "OK, you can go right after we do X activity or skill." By the time we've done that, they've usually forgotten their need to go. Works well, has for years. But this kid is different. Whenever I try that line on him, he says, "No, I need to go real bad! Right now!" and won't give up. So I relent, and let him go to the bathroom. I have been peed on by kids in swim lessons before, and I would not like for it to happen again.

Except he doesn't go to the bathroom. He runs over to his parents, stands there for a few minutes with water dripping off of his suit, trying to put on his shoes to go to the bathroom, and then turns and runs back to me. The first time or two that this happened, I thought that the parents had just told him to get back in the pool, as my mother would have done to me. But today the mom made some comment about "not making it," which makes me think that he is not, in fact, being talked back into the pool, but rather, that he is peeing on the deck through his suit. I have no way of confirming this, and I'm sure as hell not going to ask, but yeah. I think that's what's happening. And I am none too happy about it. As I'm sure the lifeguards will be if any of them read this **waves to lifeguards who found their way here from Facebook**. I try to console myself with the thought that he's not doing it in the pool, so there's that, and also that rain will come wash the deck soon enough. But all it does is reinforce in my mind that one should always wear shoes on the deck at my pool.

Thanks for sharing...

I had an interesting conversation with my professor, Dr. R (who reminds me of Paul Simon), tonight:

L: I just wanted to let you know that I was going to miss the last day of class.
Dr. R: Oh, that's too bad. Where will you be?
L: Hawaii.
Dr. R (excitedly): Where, Maui? They have dengue fever there!
L: ...*

Not quite sure how he expected me to respond. "Oh, I'll bring you some dengue for your research! No trouble getting THAT through customs!" "Oh, well, then, I'll just stay here and come to class instead! Way better than Hawaii!" I ended up just telling him that I was going to Oahu, not Maui, so I was safe from the dengue. But...yeah. Thank you, Dr. Merry Sunshine.

*A clarification: the "..." is not the kind of "..." that they discuss at the beginning of Mamma Mia. I promise.

Checkmate

So, the time has come for me to order new checks. I had perfectly good checks until my Tiny Regional Bank went and sold itself to Big Conglomerate Bank last year. This caused them to have to change account numbers and, very nicely, they issued a brand new box of checks to all of the former Tiny Regional Bank customers. Said checks were of the boring, generic, light blue variety. However, as I don't turn free stuff, I used the entire box, and this weekend, got to the point that I would have to order new ones.

Let me just tell you, there are quite a few interesting check choices out there. For instance, did you know that they have any number of Texas-themed check selections out there? Seriously, I found like 5 different sets, including one that contained this pretty picture right here:

There was also this set, which I'm sure Gloria Steinem uses for her banking needs. Entitled "Vanity Girlz," they are emblazoned with such words as "Drama Queen," "Diva," and the one pictured below:

Then there's this one, which I think Don Johnson probably designed while wearing a pastel-colored suit and fighting crime in Miami:

Let me just tell you, when I think of Pebbles Flintstone, the very first thing I think of is how appropriate a picture of roses would be as adornment for her checks. A dinosaur, a cave person, prehistoric art, heck no! Let's go with roses! I can't even look at this one. Precious Moments characters haunt my nightmares.You know what, Yay America and stuff, but if I were going to buy checks to honor my country, I would pick either 1. The Flag, or 2. Pictures of National Monuments and Memorials. Not both. Especially when constructed in such a haphazard way. "Hey, what makes our checks better than the other million flag checks out there? Let's slap a picture of Lincoln in the middle!"
Anne Geddes freaks the heck out of me. Where on earth does she find all of these babies? What self-respecting parent would offer their kid up for this type of torture? Although if any of those babies are boys, that'll be phenomenal blackmail in a few years. Mary, take note. Also, Geddes photographs always make me think of when Janine hung one of her prints in Joey's apartment on Friends, and Joey was telling everyone "It's a famous picture. Of a famous baby!" I believe that is also the episode where he ate potpourri.
When I go to Hawaii next month, I am praying daily that I don't run into anything even remotely resembling this:
Finally, there is this style, which is ever so appropriate when you are, say, paying your air conditioning bill during the sweltering summer months:
And with that...a Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

And YOU will be with Superman!

A brief follow-up to the previous story - I taught the same kid again last night. She apparently did not bring her listening ears, as I spent most of the time trying to get her to do someting, anything, close to what I wanted. And then she was mad because I told her we only had time to jump in once at the end of class (usually we jump twice), because she hadn't listened. She did impart upon me some very valuable words of wisdom, though:

Child M: You can get your children.
Miss Leah: M, I don't have any children.
M: No, when you get married.
L: What?
M: You can't get your children until you get married!

Given that last week I told her I was going to marry Superman, I wonder if she thought my children will have superpowers.

I just hope she remembers that advice in about 15 years.

A related story - I think I offended a parent last week. She asked what I did at my regular job, and I explained to her about clinical trials, drug testing, etc., and the first thing she said was "Do you do animal testing?" with obvious disapproval in her voice. I wasn't thinking, so I said, "No, we take the information from the animal testing and send it to the FDA." Which is true, but had I been more perceptive, I would've just said "No," which is also true. I, personally, do not do animal testing. Contract labs do our animal testing. But I don't think that that's the answer she was hoping for, especially given that she's good friends with another lesson parent who I know for a fact is a vegetarian. She didn't ask much else about what I do after that. But she did bring her kid back this week, so she couldn't have been too offended. Good times.

IDK, my BFF RJV?

So last night at the pool, my new BFF RJV (names and most identifying details omitted, but chances are you can figure out who I'm talking about) drove by the pool to say hello to me. I was in the pool, teaching a lesson to this kid who doesn't listen to a word I say, and I hear this, "Hey, Leah!" from the direction of the street between the pool and the gym. I look up, and it's him, waving from inside his car. What he was doing driving by the pool and the gym, I'll never know. (Actually, I had told him my schedule when he e-mailed me to tell me that he had been investigating The Matter I cornered him about at Reunion Weekend, so it wasn't a total surprise).

But anyway, he definitely tried to strike up a conversation with me while I was teaching. He was mostly asking about the class I'm taking, when it was, who was teaching it, etc. I'm assuming this was so he could stop by there, because he said he had learned things about The Matter that he wanted to explain to me. But while I'm talking to him - from in the pool - the kid has climbed out, is jumping in, splashing me, etc., and the mom is looking at me like I've gone crazy. I finally grabbed the kid and made her stop jumping, and I made her wave to him, and of course she wanted to know who he was, so I told her he was a very important person who worked for the school. Which he then rebuts by saying that he's not important at all, he's just a regular guy. Because THAT makes the fact that I interrupted my entire lesson to talk to a random guy in a car driving by look so much better. I did explain to the mom when we got out that I don't generally interrupt lessons to talk to strangers, and who he was, and she understood and was fine with it (she is not one of the standard obnoxious parents that I complain about). And I am very pleased that RJV remembered me enough to actually investigate The Matter I mentioned at Reunion Weekend. But yeah...I felt like an idiot. And I'm fairly disappointed that he didn't tell me to "stay cool" again.

On a related note, the following conversation took place during that same lesson, when I was trying to get the kid (who is notorious for not listening and talking her way out of doing things) to do a front glide or, as I call it, fly like Superman. I tell them that Superman is my friend, and he taught me to fly, so they want to learn to fly too.:

Miss Leah: OK, let's fly like Superman now.
Child M: Is Superman your friend?
L: Yes. Let's practice now.
M: Are you going to marry him?
L: Yes. Let's practice now.
M: Why aren't you married to him now?
L: Because he's off fighting crime. Let's practice now.
M: Oh. Why is he fighting crime?
L: Because there are bad guys. Let's practice now.
M: When are you getting married?
L: Tomorrow. Let's practice now.
M: Oh. Will he be done fighting crime then?
L: Yes. Let's practice now.

And then she finally did what I wanted her to do, only to be interrupted by RJV a few minutes later. Good times.