I Got A Lot Of Problems With You People!

In honor of today's holiday, I give you the following:



A happy Festivus to you all!

EAT ME! Hey, It's Thanksgiving Day!

It's about time that I discussed my Thanksgiving. Only three weeks late - not too bad!

So we went to my aunt's house in Pittsburgh, as we always do. This is the home of what my aunt makes me call my furry cousins, also known as her four dogs. They are rather entertaining.

This is Grete, my favorite. I call her Favorite. My aunt once heard me do this and told me to stop calling her that. I suppose she thought the others would get jealous.

Grete is a special one. She's afraid of lots of things - wind, plastic bags, being hugged, large suitcases, etc. But she's never vicious - when she gets scared, she freezes, then bolts away to find a Happy Place. This is Grete hiding in the sewing room because she was afraid of my hair dryer:

Next we have Molly. Molly is a black lab/chow mix. She has a speckled tongue (not pictured). I call her The Tick because she is rather bulbous for her diminutive stature, and resembles a tick that is satiated. She is very quiet, but is clearly in charge. Here, she guards a rawhide chewy from the rest of the menagerie.

Lily is the golden retriever/yellow lab mix. She is very boisterous, and goes by the alias Silly. She has a black spot underneath her nose that looks like a mustache, and is also sometimes known as Hitler for this reason.

The fourth dog is named Kiley. Her real name is Ruby, though - she was a stray. According to my aunt's vet, she had been abused; however, this does not stop us from referring to her as Hot Dog or some variation implying that she had been stolen. KiRubLey doesn't do much. She pretty much just sits on the couch and glares at people who make her move with an "if I could feed myself, I would kill you in your sleep" look.

However, the canine roster does not stop there. On this particular holiday, they were dogsitting for the neighbor's horse--I mean, chocolate lab. I get them confused. As would you, if you met Hunter:

Hunter is very large, but very sweet. His tail is a lethal weapon, and we spent much of the visit rescuing drinks off of the coffee table before they met their demise at his hand (well, at his tail). Hunter is very easy to please, though - all he needs is a ball, which he will guard with his life until someone is ready to throw it for him.

Contrary to popular belief, we did not spend the whole visit being covered in dog hair. We also visited downtown Pittsburgh for dinner at the William Penn hotel on Thanksgiving, where my great-grandfather used to work.

The lobby and dining room were lovely, and the Thanksgiving meal was very good. Although half of the fun was seeing the expressions on the faces of children at neighboring tables when presented with the first course - pea soup. Actually, the rather closely resembled the expressions on the faces of some of my dining companions as well. The lobby is seen here in a photo I stole from the Internets.

After dinner, we wandered around downtown Pittsburgh for awhile, visiting many local landmarks, including the Kaufmann's clock (which just made me miss Kaufmann's and Hecht's):

We also visited the Frick Building, named for Andrew Clay Frick, a Pittsburgher who was, according to Wikipedia, an "industrial coke producer." It goes on to clarify that "coke" is something made from coals, not a cola or an illicit drug favored by Wall Street professionals of the 1980s. Although the story would be much better if it was. Anyway, apparently I say this guy's name occasionally, so my dad thought this would be a funny picture:

The next night, we went to see Spamalot at a theater downtown. A very nice theater, in fact. So nice, that one would expect theatergoers to dress up for the occasion. This is not always the case. While the vast majority of audience members were wearing suits, jackets, nice dresses/skirts/dress pants, etc., a number of people seemed to think that a Steeler jersey would elevate their ensembles to a level of formality that is appropriate for this venue. Sometimes paired with khakis, sometimes paired with jeans, and always paired with decorum, a Steeler jersey is western Pennsylvania's equivalent to the tuxedo. I only wish I had brought one...but alas, I was stuck wearing a skirt, sweater, pantyhose, and heels.

Speaking of formal wear...I shall close this entry with the awesomeness that is my brother's new sunglasses. David "swiped these off some chick at an 80's party." I feel like Fallon Carrington Colby (accent on the Carrington!) would wear these during a day spent lying by the pool. He now has two pairs, but is far too mean to let his sister wear one, even though I told him it could be our parents' Christmas card photo this year.

I hope everyone had a splendid Thanksgiving of their own! Next up - Christmas! (Although at the rate I'm going, that'll get posted somewhere around Mary's birthday.)

The Frog That Would Not End

As many of you know, my mother has a frog that she likes better than either my brother or myself. Niki and Jeni gave David a Grow-A-Frog kit as a 10th birthday gift, and it's still alive and kicking. It's cannibalistic, has been down the garbage disposal, spent a week in a tank with a dead frog, David didn't feed it for months at a time, and yet the damn thing still persists in living. I swear, when the End of Days comes, it'll just be cockroaches and this thing left.

And now, I have evidence that may perpetuate that belief: http://www.spidercox.co.uk/xenopusfrog.htm

If this thing lives to be 30 years old, I'm suing the Grow-a-Frog company.

Holy Picture Choosing, Batman!

So, in all of my brilliance this weekend, I decided to hang a couple of tiny, decorative shelves in my living room to the left of the couch. This did not prove to be a good idea - between my inability to hang anything like that in a straight line, and the fact that the shelves were tiny and dwarfed by the giant picture that hung next to them, and also was in a frame that didn't match nearly as well as I had hoped, it just didn't end well. So I took the wretched things down, and they are now in a bag in the kitchen. However, in order to hang one, I had to make two giant holes in my wall for the screw brackets. This was not a wise decision. So, internet, I prevail upon thee to aid me in my decision of what to do with the holes in my wall. I will likely be filling them in with spackle and repainting them whenever I get around to repainting that wall; however, at the rate I go with painting, that will be...oh, about a quarter to never. So...


Option 1: Leave them there uncovered. Ew.


Option 2: Cover them with tiny framed pictures that have hanging-type things on the back. This is my current method of hole-covering, as I didn't have to make new holes or buy anything new to make it happen. The wall currently looks like this:



A close-up of the two pictures, chosen mainly for their frame color:
Option 2a: Leave the wall like this. Might be kind of odd, though, as the pictures are kind of tiny next to the bigger print.

Option 2b: Add more pictures. This could be problematic, though - I bought both of these frames over a year ago, and probably couldn't find matching ones to add. I could add some others from around the house, thus making more of a mosaic effect of frames, but that would involve lots more holes.


Option 3: Move this picture from over the DVD shelves across the room, and hang it so that it covers the holes. This might be OK - and the two large prints will create more of a balance that will detract from the fact that the couch isn't centered on the wall. Also, they're both Hood prints, so that would be thematic. However, I'd have to put more holes in the wall, both for this picture and when I move the other one so they're centered. Also, the green with which this print is matted does not match the green of the print that is currently on the wall, nor does it match the slipcover on the couch. Hard to tell from the picture, but if you've been in my living room, you know what I mean.

Option 4: Buy a frame for this poster that coordinates with the frame on the print that is already on the wall. Hang this one so that it covers the holes. This print has colors that match the room very well, and wouldn't need to be matted or custom framed or anything. I should be able to get a frame for 30 or 40 bucks at Michael's. The only problem is that then I have to buy said frame (although I was going to have to do so eventually anyway). And again, I would also have to put more holes in the wall and move the other picture so they're both centered.

Option 5: Buy another French memo board like this one and hang it sideways. This is a viable option, and likely cheaper than a new frame for the White House picture. However, it may well look uneven in size with the picture that is already there. There is also the matter of color - a green one like this would probably be too much green along that wall. I was thinking cream, if I went with this option.

There is also the danger of the thing getting so covered with pictures that you can't tell what's underneath. Case in point - the two red ones around the closet door. The vast majority of you who are reading this blog are represented on this thing - and if you're not, then I clearly need to take more pictures with you! Bonus points if you find yourself (or your spawn or pet) in one of the pictures.
Option 6: Hang my brother's photography. For instance, the cherry blossom pictures from a few seasons ago. This could work, except I'd have to reframe them if I used these three - the frames are far too light and cheap-looking to hang next to the one that's there. An alternative would be for David to take more pictures for me. Get on that, Dave. You can go to Hood this spring and make that happen. Oh, and if I move these, I'll have to get a replacement picture to hang in their place in the second floor hallway.

Option 7: I cover the holes - and the rest of the wall - with pictures of cool people emulating the Dudez-a-Plenti:

and Olive from Little Miss Sunshine. If this choice wins, you all will be recruited to model.

So, thoughts? Discuss amongst yourselves. Gold star for whoever's idea wins!

'Cause I Never Felt the Desire, 'Til Their Music Set Me On Fire

This article is the greatest thing I've ever read.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/10/23/AR2008102303330.html?hpid=opinionsbox1

I think my favorite part is when he says, "I was wondering why you guys wanted me here. I'm not going to get up on a soapbox here. I am a piano player."

Why Debate Politics When You Can Make Fun Of People's Clothes?

Sometimes I wonder if Cindy McCain and Michelle Obama call each other before each public outing that they attend, just to see what the other is wearing.

"Hey, Michelle, this first debate looks like it'll be pretty casual. What do you think?"
"Yeah, Cindy, I agree. I was thinking floral. Something bright and friendly that will bridge the gap between summer and fall fashion, since it is still September."
"I agree, Michelle. Good plan! I think I will go with a pants suit. Still professional, but not as dressy as a skirt suit. Remember, we have to make sure we have room to move up on the scale of formality as the campaigns progress!"
"Good idea, Cindy. Make sure you wear a bright color - you wouldn't want to get lost on that stage!"
"All taken care of, Michelle."

And thus, their outfits for the first debate were planned:

Clearly, they'd have to mix things up a bit for the next debate.

"Cindy! Did you see the pictures? We looked FABULOUS!"
"Indeed we did, Michelle. So, what were you thinking about for the next event?"
"Well, I'm not sure...it's getting to be fall, so I think florals might be a bit out of place. Plus, I think we should be a bit dressier this time. We want to look like First Ladies, not someone at their husband's office picnic, making nice with the boss's wife."
"Agreed. I think I shall go with a skirt suit this time."
"An excellent plan. What color were---"
"Dibs on blue!"
"DAMMIT. That means that I have to wear red, since any self-respecting political wife wouldn't be caught dead in a color that isn't on the flag. I bet the stupid carpet will be red, too. I'm going to blend in and no one will be able to see me!"
"Sucks to be you. Should've jumped in faster."
"Yeah, I know. I'll get you next time."

Then, the third debate last night:

"OMG, Michelle, did you see how awesome those pictures turned out from the last debate? That is so my new Facebook picture."
"For you, maybe...I look like part of the rug! I totally call dibs on blue this time."
"Fine by me. You know we can't wear the same color to two events in a row, especially if our outfits look the same."
"Correct you are. Unfortunately, I only have one style of dress."
"Yeah, I have the same problem. I know, I'll dress up my suit with giant gold buttons! My husband was in the Navy, so it'll just look like I'm supporting his military history by dressing like a sailor!"
"That doesn't make any sense, but whatever floats your boat. Get it? Boat? Because he was in the Navy?"

And thus, we have last night's wardrobe. Unfortunately, no one thought to warn Michelle Obama that the background was blue, so she met the same fate she had in Nashville. Luckily, most people were blinded by Sailor Cindy's bling, so no one noticed. Not that they could see her anyway.

All For Three Small Payments of $19.99!

So, today is one of those special federal holidays that no one has off from work except for government employees and contractors. Apparently no one cares about Columbus or Veterans except for the government. Works for me, though! Instead of spending my day studying, or doing some of the work that I brought home from last week because I'm currently two people's worth of work, I instead have been watching television and sorting through old papers that I've been meaning to file. A moderately productive set of activities - I watched the entire first disc of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (which was awesome, and I wish I'd gotten more than one disc from Netflix), and made a significant dent in the paper pile. However, when I ran out of It's Always Sunny, I started watching sitcom reruns on cable rather than any of the million DVDs I have. Let me just tell you, there are some interesting commercials that they play during the day. I've seen the following commercials for the following products and events multiple times:

-Bodily improvement products such as Bio-Oil and Hydroxycut
-Various types of laxatives and hemorrhoid creams
-Malpractice lawyers
-Cleaning products (but not normal ones...weird complicated things sold on infomercials)
-Syndicated game shows that I didn't even know had been resurrected
-Numerous different educational advancement institutions
-The switch to digital television signals this spring

Apparently everyone who watches TV on weekdays is unhappy with their body, has lower GI problems that possibly resulted from medical malpractice, and sits around in their filthy houses watching game shows rather than going to school. But they want to make sure that these people know that, come February 17th, they won't be able to watch TV anymore without cable.

On that note, I just found the episode of Full House where Uncle Jesse and Becky get married. Jesse decides he wants to go skydiving as a "last adventure," and ends up in jail in "Tomato Country." Hijinks ensue. I am going to go rot my brain watching that so I'm extra-productive when I finally sit down to do the work I brought home. Thank you, Christopher Columbus!